i always forget guys have bellybuttons
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
