You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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