She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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