Well douche your snatch and let's go!
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
