I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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