You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
