census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
someone owes me an orgasm
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
