I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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