I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
