I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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