I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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