Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
