I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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