I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
