I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
