i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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