I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
