Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
