I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
