Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
