I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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