If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
