It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
