I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
