Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize