I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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