I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
