He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
