Only a mothe r could love this liver
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Still dying that you shit outside
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
