dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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