i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
