I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
