I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
