YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just found a bag of teeth...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
