But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
True college students do jello shots in the library
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