dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize