Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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