So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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