i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
