What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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