so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Damn victory sex feels great
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
