I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
