I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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