Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
no you cant smoke seaweed
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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