remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
