Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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