me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
