dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
