I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
