I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
