final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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