I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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