We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Semen is not good for contacts.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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