You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
