Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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