Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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