his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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