dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
