HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
