how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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